Somedays I feel light. I can walk further, stand taller. My mind is clear and my heart is full of love. “It’s okay” echos in my mind, which I know is a whisper from God. My future is full of possibilities. I am physically pain free. I see absolute beauty in our circumstances. I am so thankful for him and full of love for who he is and how he has been a part of our lives. This is a blessing. I am excited to meet and hold my son. I am thrilled to celebrate his birthday and I look forward to October 20th. I am full of love and light. I am full of joy, and as painful as it is that I know we will only have a short amount of time together, I am joyful that Alexander will be in heaven with his heavenly father. I am filled with joy that Alexander gets to experience heaven and God and will be forever surrounded by love and light that is unfathomable to us here on earth. I am also comforted that he will never know of pain, tears, hurt and sorrow.
Somedays the weight of reality is unbearable. The weight of the reality hits me hard. It lands causing tangible knots in my shoulders. Sometimes it is hard to breath. My jaw is sore from what I can only imagine is from grinding my teeth the night before. Smiling seems foreign. Not always but sometimes these days are paired with a headache at the base of my skull. My heart is broken, my mind is foggy. Sometimes I don’t even realize I am in this state until that night or 3 days later. I don’t think many people would know that I feel this way. I dread my c-section date since I know that means the clock will start ticking with the time we have with our son. After this day, the terrifying reality hits that he will no longer be with us, no longer safe inside.
Light and heavy feelings can last for minutes, hours or days. I am scared to face Alexander’s death. I am scared that the heaviest feelings are yet to come. That these feelings will not last for days but weeks, maybe months, maybe years.
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