Reflection...

I’d like to reflect on the last post. I re-read it and think “Gosh I sound soooo incredibly sad.” My mom read it and seemed almost shocked. After reading it she said “Amazing how you can wear a beautiful smile, appear fine, but be so emotionally torn apart inside.” As I read back on the last post those posts were of course written when the emotions hit the hardest. That is of course when I chose to write. When I felt “okay” I didn’t feel the need to write, I didn’t think I had much to write about. I’d like anyone on a journey of grief to know that it is a roller coaster. Maybe life in general is a roller coaster. The last post was written about the down hills and dips. Within the past 5 weeks there have also been peaks. 

The first time I laughed after Alexander’s death I almost felt guilty. I thought “how can I possibly be laughing and enjoying myself?” After all, my baby just died. I reflected on that immediate thought pattern and decided from that moment on that I would give myself the freedom to feel what I was feeling and to not feel guilty. I’ve learned just as the physical release of tears is important, the physical release of laughter and feeling ‘normal’ is also extremely important. When my girlfriends came to Ocean City, we laughed a lot. I mean a lot, a lot… to the point of “Oh my gosh we need to stop laughing because it’s too much of an ab workout after my c-section!” 

I feel joy, happiness; I still sing in the car and dance with my toddler. I am hopeful for the future.  This last journey has blended with another journey and Jason will soon be opening his practice. I am so incredibly proud and excited for my hard working husband. These past 8 months were the hardest of our lives but there were joyful and perfect moments intermixed with our grief. Alexander’s existence was such a wonderful and beautiful thing. I miss him but I am so thankful for him and the time we had with him. 

For anyone who might also be dealing with a trail, please know there is hope. Feel what you need to feel, let it change you, let it help you grow as a person. Do not let it hurt you or make you fearful. Do not let it destroy you. I pray you have hope for the future. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Thank you

To be honest I did not really want a donation page. I still don’t like it. If we had a healthy baby, a baby that we got to keep, we would not have a WeCare page. This fact makes it hard for me to even visit the page, to see and think about all the wonderful, great people who donated. This experience has been devastating, overwhelming and humbling. All of these emotions do not take from the immense burden that has been lifted. We are beyond grateful and thankful. It is an amazing gift. As painful as this experience is, these is comfort and joy knowing God will take care of us, that people near and far, close friends, loving family and strangers will take care of us. I am forever humbled and grateful. Thank you to all who donated and lifted this burden. Thank you for taking care of us.

Also…thank you for the prayers, messages, cards, dinners, gifts, flowers. For the support, texts and emails, phone calls. 

Thank you to my sister for being a perfect Aunt to Alexander and for the love and support throughout this journey. Thank you to our family for being there for Alexander’s birthday, for singing happy birthday, for holding him so gently and having so much love for him, for supporting and loving us so much. 

Thank you to my girlfriends for caring so much for me, for listening so intently to all of my memories. It meant so much to share Alexander’s photo album with you. Thank you also for your sweet gifts and for helping me laugh, for giving me a respite from grief and for reminding me that day by day I will feel more like myself.

Thank you to the kind, gentle nurses and doctors who took care of us in the hospital, the OB in Naples who shared her story of loss, who prayed over me before I left Florida. Thank you to the amazing psychologist at CHOP who dramatically changed how we experienced this journey, the child life specialist at CHOP who left us with such special memories. Thank you to the photographers that donated their time and energy to give us some of the most special gifts of all. 

Above all thank you God for putting these people into our lives.

One Month Post Birthday

Dear Alexander,

You are a blessing. I miss you. I long to hold you. I so badly wanted to keep you. I am so sorry this had to happen. I love you more than words can express. You get to experience Heaven now. You are in a good, beautiful, joyful place. You get to feel joy and happiness that we will not feel for many years. You are with your heavenly Father, and for that I am thankful. You get to stay there for eternity and you will know nothing of pain or sorrow. You will not learn of tears or hurt. Sweet baby boy, we know these things all too well. We will miss you more than words can express, but one day I will get to experience heavenly joy and I will hold you again. We will be together again. I am latching onto this fact. It is the only way to face tomorrow. It is the only way to face my future.

October 29^th

I noticed that Ana stopped playing and was staring for a while at Alexander’s picture, which was sitting on a table in the living room. She then wanted to get his bunny. I was nervous what she wanted to do with it, but I let her go with Nana upstairs to get it. She brought it down and I asked her what she wanted to do with it. I was thinking she’d want to play with it which would be too hard to bear. She said she wanted to give it to Alexander and she gently laid the little bunny right in front of his picture. 

October 30^th 

Today I woke up and cried through breakfast. Ana was playing in the living room, looked up and asked “what’s wrong Mama?” I told her that I was very sad that I miss Alexander. She asked “what do you need, Mama?” I couldn’t answer because the only answer that came to mind was “I need my baby back.” Jason helped and told Ana that I could use a hug and a kiss. She ran over to try to help. She then said to Jason “Mama is so happy now?” In her little world, a simple kiss makes everything better. If only it were just that easy. It might not have made everything better or make me “so happy”, but Jason told her that her hug and kiss had definitely helped. 

October 31^st

The girls are here…it feels good to talk about Alexander. It helps validate who he was and to share the memories we have of him. If they hear these memories, more people can know him and understand who he was and how he fit into our family. It’s also very difficult because I miss him so much. I should not just be sharing his one photo album; I should be passing him around for friends to hold him. Then I stop and remember “should” is not a word I can use. It was never in God’s plan for that to happen. I just miss him so much. It’s been mentally exhausting today for so many people to be around; hard to try to stay “present” for them. I want to zone out, stop listening, sit and stare at a blank wall. On the other hand, it’s also very good to listen to the girls. Good to focus on something other than my broken heart. I thought writing would make me feel better. I don’t know it if did this time. Crying made me feel better. The physical release tonight made it a little easier to breath. 

November 5^th

Last night I was angry…I cried and cried. I would get myself to stop; I’d lie down and sob again. I needed this. I’m not sure why but I haven’t sobbed like this really since the hospital. Reality also hit that this is not something that I’ll get over. I will miss Alexander forever. I’ll always have a child, teenager, young adult that is missing from our family; a son, brother, nephew, grandchild that we will miss forever. 

I have not let my mind wonder what about what it would be like if he lived. How do I even picture that? Do I picture a healthy average sized baby? Do I picture a baby boy with dwarfism? Or do I picture a baby with Thanaphoric Dysplasia; a baby with a tracheotomy, wires, ventilator, future wheel chair, and millions of limitations? Unable to crawl, life his head, eat, dress independently, and stuck in that body; a perfect mind – trapped. No, I don’t think of this. Honestly this is the first time that I have since before he was born. All I think of is his soft, chubby cheeks. Perfect beautiful lips and cute button nose. I think of how warm he was at first. I think of the perfect 5 sounds we got to hear. I think of the weight of him on my chest and in my arms. I miss him but I don’t often think of what could have been in our future because that will not happen. Also it’s obvious that it is too confusing to think of our future because there are many paths to think about. A lot of times I just think of missing and wishing he was here to hold, lying on my chest, cuddled next to me in bed. There are no thoughts of wires or limitations. I thought last night ‘I want him back’ but even in my darkest and most devastating state I cannot get myself to agree that he is better off with me. My core believes that Heaven is the best place anyone could be. Yes, I’m hurting. Sometimes the pain and weight of reality can be so much, too much, but I still believe Alexander is in the best place. We all belong (ultimately) with our heavenly Father.

November 8^th

…God has left me with so much. Yes, Alexander had to leave me which hurts and is so horrible but God has also left me with much. Not only has He left me with my other family members, He has left me with hope for the future. I miss Alexander terribly. Grief is unimaginably difficult. The waves of changes, the ups and downs; it is very hard to keep up with the different emotions: hopeful, peaceful, devastated, angry, back to hopeful. The ever changing ride of emotions…I wish I could get off.

November 11^th

…I still don’t understand why all of this had to happen. I don’t think I will ever understand while I’m on this earth. I now have learned that I’m not invincible, not safe from devastation, from tragedy.  Today this makes me nervous for the future. I’m scared of something happening to Jason or Ana. It’s hard to trust…(God I’m sorry that I say that sentence). I know I am supposed to trust You. I literally prayed since early high school (on a priests recommendation – thank you Shanahan ) for my future husband and my future children. I prayed over and over for my babies to be healthy and You said no. Now I pray for Jason and Ana to be safe and I have no idea what Your answer will be. 

A new prayer…”God help me to trust in You, help me give my life to You for Your glory. Give me spiritual wisdom to help me day to day.” 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path.” –Proverbs 3:5-6

God help me do this. 

“Fear not, for I am with you. I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” –Isaiah 41:10

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power, love and self-control.” -2 Timothy 1:7

November 14^th

I long to have a baby in my arms. After a pregnancy, countless appointments, ultrasounds, and a birth, and my arms are empty. The last couple days I’ve brought it up to Jason. I have such confusing feelings. I long for Alexander, but since I know that can’t happen I’m starting to obsess about my future. Future children, the future baby that I will be able to bring home. I feel it is way too soon to even think of our next baby, but I am and I do. 

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” –Romans 12:12

November 15^th

God I need you. Oh God help me. This hurts so much.

I’ve been wonderfully distracted; Ocean City, Ana, my mom, staying busy, obsessing over my next baby and my future, watching Lost, reading Alice Bliss, friends, a few beers with Jason. They are all such great distractions from my horrific reality. My son…my precious baby boy is gone and tonight I feel the heaviness like no other. God I need your help.

“In this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world.” John 16:23

November 16^th

How busy the days get full of the beautiful distractions. I have decided to make sure during nap time and when Ana goes to bed to speed time reminiscing; to look over Alexander’s pictures, read what I’ve written, and sit still to remember. I am not ready. Not ready to be distracted away from what has happened. I need this time to grieve so I can fully (as much as possible) heal and recover my shattered heart. If I don’t take the time now it may resurface later and it may be longer than I’d like. 

<3  

I am uncertain about what my future holds.

My certainty lies in the love I have for my baby. 

My certainty lies in the love God has for me.