Dear Alexander,
You are a blessing. I miss you. I long to hold you.
I so badly wanted to keep you. I am so sorry this had to happen. I love you
more than words can express. You get to experience Heaven now. You are in a
good, beautiful, joyful place. You get to feel joy and happiness that we will
not feel for many years. You are with your heavenly Father, and for that I am
thankful. You get to stay there for eternity and you will know nothing of pain
or sorrow. You will not learn of tears or hurt. Sweet baby boy, we know these
things all too well. We will miss you more than words can express, but one day
I will get to experience heavenly joy and I will hold you again. We will be
together again. I am latching onto this fact. It is the only way to face
tomorrow. It is the only way to face my future.
October 29th
I noticed that Ana stopped
playing and was staring for a while at Alexander’s picture, which was sitting
on a table in the living room. She then wanted to get his bunny. I was nervous
what she wanted to do with it, but I let her go with Nana upstairs to get it.
She brought it down and I asked her what she wanted to do with it. I was
thinking she’d want to play with it which would be too hard to bear. She said
she wanted to give it to Alexander and she gently laid the little bunny right
in front of his picture.
October 30th
Today I woke up and
cried through breakfast. Ana was playing in the living room, looked up and
asked “what’s wrong Mama?” I told her that I was very sad that I miss
Alexander. She asked “what do you need, Mama?” I couldn’t answer because the
only answer that came to mind was “I need my baby back.” Jason helped and told
Ana that I could use a hug and a kiss. She ran over to try to help. She then
said to Jason “Mama is so happy now?” In her little world, a simple kiss makes
everything better. If only it were just that easy. It might not have made
everything better or make me “so happy”, but Jason told her that her hug and
kiss had definitely helped.
October 31st
The girls are here…it
feels good to talk about Alexander. It helps validate who he was and to share
the memories we have of him. If they hear these memories, more people can know
him and understand who he was and how he fit into our family. It’s also very
difficult because I miss him so much. I should not just be sharing his one
photo album; I should be passing him around for friends to hold him. Then
I stop and remember “should” is not a word I can use. It was never in God’s
plan for that to happen. I just miss him so much. It’s been mentally exhausting
today for so many people to be around; hard to try to stay “present” for them.
I want to zone out, stop listening, sit and stare at a blank wall. On the other
hand, it’s also very good to listen to the girls. Good to focus on something
other than my broken heart. I thought writing would make me feel better. I
don’t know it if did this time. Crying made me feel better. The physical
release tonight made it a little easier to breath.
November 5th
Last night I was
angry…I cried and cried. I would get myself to stop; I’d lie down and sob
again. I needed this. I’m not sure why but I haven’t sobbed like this really
since the hospital. Reality also hit that this is not something that I’ll get
over. I will miss Alexander forever. I’ll always have a child, teenager, young
adult that is missing from our family; a son, brother, nephew, grandchild that
we will miss forever.
I have not let my mind
wonder what about what it would be like if he lived. How do I even picture
that? Do I picture a healthy average sized baby? Do I picture a baby boy with
dwarfism? Or do I picture a baby with Thanaphoric Dysplasia; a baby with a tracheotomy,
wires, ventilator, future wheel chair, and millions of limitations? Unable to
crawl, life his head, eat, dress independently, and stuck in that body; a
perfect mind – trapped. No, I don’t think of this. Honestly this is the first
time that I have since before he was born. All I think of is his soft, chubby
cheeks. Perfect beautiful lips and cute button nose. I think of how warm he was
at first. I think of the perfect 5 sounds we got to hear. I think of the weight
of him on my chest and in my arms. I miss him but I don’t often think of what
could have been in our future because that will not happen. Also it’s obvious
that it is too confusing to think of our future because there are many paths to
think about. A lot of times I just think of missing and wishing he was here to
hold, lying on my chest, cuddled next to me in bed. There are no thoughts of
wires or limitations. I thought last night ‘I want him back’ but even in my
darkest and most devastating state I cannot get myself to agree that he is
better off with me. My core believes that Heaven is the best place anyone could
be. Yes, I’m hurting. Sometimes the pain and weight of reality can be so much,
too much, but I still believe Alexander is in the best place. We all belong
(ultimately) with our heavenly Father.
November 8th
…God has left me with
so much. Yes, Alexander had to leave me which hurts and is so horrible but God
has also left me with much. Not only has He left me with my other family members,
He has left me with hope for the future. I miss Alexander terribly. Grief is
unimaginably difficult. The waves of changes, the ups and downs; it is very
hard to keep up with the different emotions: hopeful, peaceful, devastated,
angry, back to hopeful. The ever changing ride of emotions…I wish I could get
off.
November 11th
…I still don’t
understand why all of this had to happen. I don’t think I will ever understand
while I’m on this earth. I now have learned that I’m not invincible, not safe
from devastation, from tragedy. Today
this makes me nervous for the future. I’m scared of something happening to
Jason or Ana. It’s hard to trust…(God I’m sorry that I say that sentence). I
know I am supposed to trust You. I literally prayed since early high school (on
a priests recommendation – thank you Shanahan ) for my future husband and my
future children. I prayed over and over for my babies to be healthy and You
said no. Now I pray for Jason and Ana to be safe and I have no idea what Your
answer will be.
A new prayer…”God help
me to trust in You, help me give my life to You for Your glory. Give me
spiritual wisdom to help me day to day.”
“Trust in the Lord with
all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge
Him, and He shall direct your path.” –Proverbs 3:5-6
God help me do this.
“Fear not, for I am
with you. I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right
hand.” –Isaiah 41:10
“For God gave us a spirit not of
fear but of power, love and self-control.” -2 Timothy 1:7
November 14th
I long to have a baby
in my arms. After a pregnancy, countless appointments, ultrasounds, and a birth,
and my arms are empty. The last couple days I’ve brought it up to Jason. I have
such confusing feelings. I long for Alexander, but since I know that can’t
happen I’m starting to obsess about my future. Future children, the future baby
that I will be able to bring home. I feel it is way too soon to even think of
our next baby, but I am and I do.
“Be joyful in hope,
patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” –Romans 12:12
November 15th
God I need you. Oh God
help me. This hurts so much.
I’ve been wonderfully
distracted; Ocean City, Ana, my mom, staying busy, obsessing over my next baby
and my future, watching Lost, reading Alice Bliss, friends, a few beers with
Jason. They are all such great distractions from my horrific reality. My son…my
precious baby boy is gone and tonight I feel the heaviness like no other. God I
need your help.
“In this world you will
have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world.” John 16:23
November 16th
How busy the days get
full of the beautiful distractions. I have decided to make sure during nap time
and when Ana goes to bed to speed time reminiscing; to look over Alexander’s
pictures, read what I’ve written, and sit still to remember. I am not ready. Not
ready to be distracted away from what has happened. I need this time to grieve
so I can fully (as much as possible) heal and recover my shattered heart. If I
don’t take the time now it may resurface later and it may be longer than I’d
like.
<3
I am uncertain about
what my future holds.
My certainty lies in
the love I have for my baby.
My certainty lies in
the love God has for me.
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