Reflection...

I’d like to reflect on the last post. I re-read it and think “Gosh I sound soooo incredibly sad.” My mom read it and seemed almost shocked. After reading it she said “Amazing how you can wear a beautiful smile, appear fine, but be so emotionally torn apart inside.” As I read back on the last post those posts were of course written when the emotions hit the hardest. That is of course when I chose to write. When I felt “okay” I didn’t feel the need to write, I didn’t think I had much to write about. I’d like anyone on a journey of grief to know that it is a roller coaster. Maybe life in general is a roller coaster. The last post was written about the down hills and dips. Within the past 5 weeks there have also been peaks. 

The first time I laughed after Alexander’s death I almost felt guilty. I thought “how can I possibly be laughing and enjoying myself?” After all, my baby just died. I reflected on that immediate thought pattern and decided from that moment on that I would give myself the freedom to feel what I was feeling and to not feel guilty. I’ve learned just as the physical release of tears is important, the physical release of laughter and feeling ‘normal’ is also extremely important. When my girlfriends came to Ocean City, we laughed a lot. I mean a lot, a lot… to the point of “Oh my gosh we need to stop laughing because it’s too much of an ab workout after my c-section!” 

I feel joy, happiness; I still sing in the car and dance with my toddler. I am hopeful for the future.  This last journey has blended with another journey and Jason will soon be opening his practice. I am so incredibly proud and excited for my hard working husband. These past 8 months were the hardest of our lives but there were joyful and perfect moments intermixed with our grief. Alexander’s existence was such a wonderful and beautiful thing. I miss him but I am so thankful for him and the time we had with him. 

For anyone who might also be dealing with a trail, please know there is hope. Feel what you need to feel, let it change you, let it help you grow as a person. Do not let it hurt you or make you fearful. Do not let it destroy you. I pray you have hope for the future. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11