We had our 2nd
appointment with our specialist and we also met a genetic councilor. We
completed a fetal echo which looked at all areas of Alexander’s heart and found
that there are no heart defects and it was working properly. We also were given
a list of possible diagnoses. After hearing these diagnoses, we thought maybe
an amniocentesis was appropriate at this time. An amnio could possible give a
definitive answer as to what Alexander had. They gave us hope; then we went
home. I looked up the 5-6 differentials and found that frankly, they all suck.
There was not one that had a great outcome, and no matter what differential,
most babies die shortly after birth. It took us a couple days but we decided
there is no point in an amnio because I didn’t want to risk a miscarriage. In
the end, if Alexander’s chest grew he had a chance of survival; if it didn’t,
he did not.
For the most part,
my high anxiety was gone. I’m wondering if it was because I was assuming that
they would diagnose TD. Maybe it was just the realization that this could very
well be fatal. As much as it hurts, I think I am closer to accepting that
Alexander might only be with us here on earth for a couple of hours.
In the past 3 weeks
I have felt more emotions on a higher level than I ever thought possible. I
have felt confusion, doubts, fears, anger, overwhelming despair and high levels
of anxiety. I have felt hope, acceptance and loss, steadfast love for our baby
boy and strong love from our God. God has been with us from the very start and
will always remind me of His word and His promise.
Every day I feel
what I need to feel. I give myself time to release the emotions; to let myself
cry, to let it hurt, and then I move on.
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